Class 7 & Home Study Part 1

It's over! It's over, over, over! I feel so relieved. Looking back, I'm 50/50 on the classes. Some were worthless and just plain annoying to me but some were actually informative and I'm glad to have been there.

The last class was on special needs and transracial adoption. They went over the effects of alcohol and drugs in-utero and what you can expect should the toxins reach the baby and how to handle it. They went over going into a transracial adoption (where your child is a different race or culture than you two are). Getting into support groups is really important for both situations. Exposing your child to other children that are the same race or culture that they are is super important. Understanding and accepting that children exposed to drugs and/or alcohol can have life long effects. Being aware of racism and that it is alive and well. Even if we don't feel it or see it or even believe that it still exists in our society, it does. For all races. Fairly common knowledge, at least to Nick and I. Normally in this class they have a family come in that's raising a special needs child and a family that's raising a transracial child but both were sick so that was a bummer. 

We had our first home study meeting this week. Our social worker met with us and we discussed our responses to our Temper Tantrum Tests. There are a few questions that are markers that need to be discussed so we went over those specifically. One question was something like, "Do you feel contempt for men who are unwilling to get a job?". Nick and I both marked yes, as in hell yes get a job, lazy. We had to explain to her that we don't hate these men, as the trick word "contempt" may lead you to believe, but we do feel that, if able-bodied, we should work. If its a pride thing then it needs to be handled, supporting your family is more important than any pride you may feel. The test had a lot of these trick words like "always", "never", etc. Explaining and discussing our responses to some of these marker questions helps her write the report on us that's presented to the agency and then the courts. We have a home meeting, then we have a meeting where she meets with us individually, and then together and that's normally it. I say normally because things could change and we may have more meetings. All good.

Nick and I have been lightly discussing "the room" which we also discussed with our social worker. When we first moved into our house we had "the room" as the office. Then we decided that that room should be the baby room (because we were going to get pregnant and have a baby right away!). So we moved the office. The office came along just right but "the room" did not, obviously. Pretty soon that room became more like a burden to me to even have in our house so the door shut and it became a catch all junk room. This room just made me sad that all our plans were failed and we were so lost and so off from the plan. I'm getting emotional just thinking about how hard those times were for us and how lost we really were. God was at work in the ugly times and He has renewed our spirit and has given us hope. The door to this room is now open and its cleaned out for the most part. Its on its way, getting ready to fulfill its purpose! You see where this is leading? STUFF! I want stuff! Little stuff, stuff that doesn't define a gender but stuff that says, "A baby is coming, holla!" (ya, our stuff says that) Now, stuff can hurt you and we are both well aware of that which is why we talked with our social worker about it. She informed us that as long as neither of us is being hurt by the stuff and we are respecting each others boundaries and emotions towards the stuff then its okay. But it is best to not run out and buy a bunch of stuff to furnish a room and clothe a child until we know, know. It may hurt to have stuff for a baby in a room for a baby that just sits there for months and months. But it may bring hope and joy knowing that stuff is for our baby, that's coming, in time. Did I say "stuff" enough? Stuff. We were told that, at a minimum, we need a car seat, some diapers and probably a bassinet.

And she also told us that a lot of the time, while we are away dealing with baby business, our small group, friends, and family, throw everything together like some sort of magical working party with mad painting and assembling and organizing skills...just sayin'... ;)

Class 6 - The Covenant and The Superhero

This class we learned about covenants and boundaries. We liked it.

A covenant is like a contract but instead of being bound by the strong arm of the law you're bound by your heart and your word. Much more serious. Here are a few things we learned about covenants that God has made with us:
Edenic - God promised Adam life and blessings, just don't eat from the tree. Hmmm...
Adamic - He did it anyway. God promised pain at childbirth for women and backbreaking work for men.
Noahic - God wont destroy the Earth through flood again.
Moseic - God says to obey His commandments and He will bless us.
New Covenant - Enter Jesus. God loved us so much but He knew that we would still be silly little humans so He sends Jesus. Can I get an Amen?

We make this covenant with mainly the BM but it could be the BF, the BGma or BGpa. In this case the covenant is setting up general boundaries and promises in regards to the child. It would go something like this:
We will meet with you such and such amount of times a year. So and so can or cannot be present at the meetings. We will send pictures at major events. You will notify us if you receive medical information that we need to know. We will notify you if the child has a serious illness, etc. It can include phone call times and amounts, email amounts, gift dollar amounts and times to send gifts. It can be as general or specific as you like but the most important part is that all parties are willing to follow through with the terms placed in the covenant.

Good stuff. Good class. Our first meeting for our home study is in less than a week. We have one more class. (Can I get another Amen...jk!)

In other news...I think Nick is a superhero. I have been sickly but feeling mostly better now. The only thing is this nightly cough. In my sleep the cough creeps in and wakes me up and I can't stop it. Several times a night. I have been late for work and dragging you know what all day. Then I get home and can't sleep. Pair my coughing and extremely heavy breathing (so he says) together and you get me wondering how the heck he pops out of bed at 445am and darts off to work moments later. Superhero, that's how.

Class 5 (& a question for you, yes you)

Oh yeah! Nick and I actually enjoyed a class! Fifth times a charm I guess. This class was focused on the birthparent experience. Nick had been looking forward to this class since the beginning. The first part of the class consisted of the instructor NOT reading to us directly from our paperwork and more of her talking. Point for them! The last half of the class the agency brought in a couple that had adopted a baby and the birthmother (BM) that had chosen them as the parents. Really neat. True life experience rules in my world.

The BM spoke about how she came to be pregnant and what her situation was and the parents spoke about how they chose adoption and the journey they had been on. I will not divulge too many personal details because their story is not mine to tell, but I really hope that we have a BM like her. She was so happy and excited to give this couple a baby that they so desperately desired. She knew and accepted that she could not parent the way she wanted her child to be parented and taken care of. She was so confident. It was startling. I do not imagine that most BMs are like her. I imagine they are scared out of their minds. I imagine they feel judged and ostracized on all sorts of levels. Maybe she did feel a little bit of that, it didn't show though. I felt like she grasped how great the gift adoption is and how wonderful it was that God was outwardly and visibly using her in His plan. (I just answered my own question...wow light bulb....see below).

The parents talked about the hospital experience and spending time with the BM. The father spoke about how he didn't feel what he thought was instinct kick in until about a week after the baby arrived. I felt really connected to that statement because I too worry that I won't have that maternal instinct the second I hold the baby. It all seemed so normal, like they were extended family. I pray that this is our experience. We want a BM that is happy to be used by God and I pray that the BF feels the same and that he wants to be involved.

This class was really neat and I'm glad that we got to experience it. AND! We don't have class next week and after that we only have TWO MORE! So fantastical. OH YA! We are starting the home study! Our social worker called us and told us that we could officially move forward! So our first home study meeting with her is in a few weeks. Exciting stuff!

So here is my question for you all:
When I am sharing my values and moral standards with my child, how will I respond when he/she says, "But my BM was pregnant with me before she got married..."?
(Insert Jeopardy music here)
I could not come up with an answer. This question will happen. I want the best answer and I just don't know it. We need to be very clear but we also need to be very sensitive. So what do you think? We wont be using the words "mistake" and "accident" because they are inappropriate and also incorrect. God doesn't make mistakes and He doesn't have accidents. I realized above that God was using the BM in His plan but how do we make it clear that sex outside of marriage is not Gods desire for us but yes, babychild you did come from a sex outside of marriage situation. See, its a tough one. I can refute everything I've come up with. Feel free to leave your CLEAR and SENSITIVE suggestions in the comments or on my Facebook post.

Til next time friendies!

Class 4 and more

Just a quick one to keep you all up to date:

We had our very first garage sale and according to the professional garage sale-ers we did really well! All our friends helped us out so much it was incredible! Friends donated items, showed up on garage sale day and dealt with hagglers, made and hung up signs, priced items, organized set up and tear down both days, brought donuts and coffee and listed and re-listed and updated our Craigslist posts. We really felt the love. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts to all of you. You know how much you mean to us.

We had class 4 last Tuesday. This means we are half way through. I am thrilled! This class was on raising the adopted child. Lots more of reading directly to us from the paper they gave us. We were read to about attachment and nurturing and we watched another video from the 80s or 90s. The last class they made us watch Oprah from the 80s. I was so distracted by the hair and the makeup and the getups, oh my! Also, we are about to begin our homestudy so that's exciting and interesting!

That's all for now!

Good Grief

I have been dreading the grief class since they sent us the first paperwork months ago. I am a ‘wear my heart on my sleeve’ kind of person, so you’ll always know how I’m feeling. And nearly all my feelings are associated with tears. Varying types of happiness and sadness bring tears out. If you are crying, I am crying. I cry because I’m emotional and I really care about whatever the subject is. I cry with good news because I’m overwhelmed with happiness, I cry with bad new because I’m overwhelmed with sadness. If you donate to help us bring Baby B home, I will cry big ol’ fat crocodile tears. If you prayed over us to get pregnant, I was cryin'! It’s how you know I’m a real person. And I'm okay with it. Except I hate crying in front of other people. I think it makes them uncomfortable and in turn I am uncomfortable in my happiness or sadness. Perhaps y'all should start crying when I do… ;)

So needless to say, I'd been praying that I wouldn’t get too emotional in this particular class. Didn’t happen. I cried. Briefly. Another wife did too when she told her story. Another wife didn’t cry at all and her story made my heart break. Everyone’s different I guess.

Here is the thing with my grief. I am over being sad. I don’t wallow for long. I want to feel happiness and joy. I don’t hate babies and pregnant people and I’m not avoiding church on Mother’s Day, I suck it up. I will have moments of sadness but I will lean on God to grow me and get me through. I don’t want to relive crappy things so that we can all feel miserable and sorry for ourselves and each other. PASS. Revisit it when you feel you need to and I’m glad to accompany you on the road to gloom and pull you out when it’s been too long or too deep. I hope for the same from you whenever I revisit my grief.

Class Two

This is a long post, get your coffee.
So we've been to two classes now and all they've really done is do a lot of reading to us. I have been reading to myself since, like, the tender age of 4 people. I spent a serious amount of time at the library when I was a child, I can work the Dewey Decimal System like you wouldn't even know. Reading to me does nothing for me, I understand better when I read to me. Especially under the circumstances.
Here are the major points that we've learned outside of being read at:
Flexibility - Get some. Find some. Grow some. Whatever. You will need it.
Control - You have none. Lose whatever you think you got.
Loss - You aren't the only ones in this situation dealing with loss.
All of these sort of intertwine. We need to be flexible for the BM. She is experiencing loss just the same as we are. She's placing a child for adoption. She could change her mind 100 times, this is a huge deal and we need to be flexible. After all, we aren't in control ;)
Another thing we talked about is adoption language. Like "gave her child up for adoption". I just used this and deleted it because I need to try to use better language. Similar to when you become a Christian and you start trying walking like Christ. You quit cussing, this is a work in progress for us. Another one is "real mom". As if anyone in this situation is imaginary. I have used this before as well. Oops. Someone has a lot of growing to do...
For fun in the last class we took the Briggs Myers whatever whatever test. Nick and I both scored in the ISFJ section. Here is what the ISFJ profile looks like if you care to take a gander - ISFJ . Some parts are spot on for Nick and way off for me and vice versa. If you know us well, you can probably figure them out. I was also pretty close to ISTJ, which is almost exactly the same as ISFJ. Here's a few traits that I identified with, good and bad.
...they place great importance on honesty and integrity (this is incredibly important to me)
...insist on doing everything "by the book"(probably why this whole accounting thing works for me)
...they have a tendency to take other people's efforts for granted (I can be selfish, I can admit that)
...likely to be uncomfortable expressing affection and emotion to others (anyone? anyone? maybe not affection but definitely emotion)
...they do not usually give themselves enough credit for their achievements, seeing their accomplishments simply as the natural fulfillment of their obligations (I will not ask for a raise, its my job, I just do it)
...extremely faithful and loyal (stayed at a job that made me miserable because I felt such loyalty to the founder)
...are responsible parents, taking their parenting roles seriously (HEY NOW! Here's something to get excited about!)
...Under stress may fall into "catastrophe mode", where they see nothing but all of the possibilities of what could go wrong...(who's blushing? Me.)
So there's a few interesting things about me. Probably obvious, but its fun to read.

Let me be a little more personal now. And probably a little direct and brash. I have been inundated with people complaining about their kids and lives after kids. Please stop telling me things such as "life as you know it will be over" or "say goodbye to sleeping and having a clean house and hello to being broke". Its probably the "having a clean house" statement that really set me over the edge but you people are REALLY bringing me down. Which in turns brings Nick down. And no one wants to see the eternal optimist down. Trust me. Try to remember that this whole adoption thing is nothing like what you've experienced. It is difficult in its own right. Your icky attitude sorta magnifies that. We want to be excited and happy regardless of how difficult the process is and how difficult you make life out to be after the process is over. Lets agree to something here: you will stop complaining about your terrible children and threatening to just take my mountain bike away now and I will stop almost feeling sorry for you. Your life is not over. Here are some examples of things you could say "I've seen you with our baby, you are going to be a great mom" <yes it did make me tear up. Or "When you guys talk to Ali and play with King, I just know you'll be great parents". Kids mentioned are real children and we love them so its easy for us. Which makes me think it will be 10x more easy to deal with aforementioned nonsense<3
PS - I am good at cleaning and throwing stuff away so ask me over.

What to say, what to say....

This is going to be a quick post because I'm in a weird place and I really don't have much to say. We went to the 1st adoption class. It was far (like REAL far) and in a less than fabulous location. They just reviewed some stuff and read to us from our booklet. We got home late and went to bed even later.
Perhaps I'll have something encouraging to pass on after next class!