Rock with me.

I thought I had writers cramp. Or block or whatever it is. I have an idea in my head that I really want to talk about but I just can't find the right words to say. Its for another day I guess. So I started a new post and deleted the nothingness that filled this box. Take two.

I was listening to a sermon from our old church and I became inspired. On fiiii-ya, rather. The pastor used a term that I was not familiar with so I paused and summonsed the Goog. I got trapped by my deep curiosity. Forgive my delay, apparently this term has been in study for 20 something years. Its post traumatic growth. I'm sure you can gather what it means but let me break it down Barney style: an intense growth spurt (emotionally, spiritually, mentally) following a deeply challenging life experience.

Maybe I'm so intrigued because the moment I heard him say the words I knew what it meant. I knew because Ive experienced post traumatic growth...exponentially. The trauma was in 2010; pretty much the whole year was a wreck from the afternoon of March 13th on. There were four major traumas that year and 365+ days of a variety of emotions spawning from a secret trauma we dealt with.
I touched Nicks body with my hands and begged God for healing. I prayed OUT LOUD Y’ALL. When my Papa passed I questioned the suffering. Why did someone who loved God so much suffer so greatly. When B went, things spiraled. Why did You do this, are You punishing us, I don’t understand, show me, show me, show me, why, why, why. Another life lost after B. More questioning. How come some people get to choose, how come B didn’t get to choose. All this heartache flying around me barely giving me a chance to grieve for myself and my husband, for the baby that wouldn’t be.
It was the year of why. I’ll admit, I still question, I still don’t understand sometimes, I still ask why. I still pray for our acceptance of His will and for peace in our hearts. Because I hurt so bad, so often from these events that often times I couldn't see/hear/grasp any reasoning as to why anything at all. Instead of flopping about like a fish out of water, I dug in. And I did ask why. This takes me back to the sermon, when the pastor said, God is at work in the crisis, making you into the person He wants. Ding, Ding! God needed to transform me into the person He needs me to be. I needed to suffer so that I could grow. Wait, what? Eww. That sounds awful. Yes, because it is. Growth spurts hurt remember? I would not be as tall as I am (ha) had I not suffered through growth spurts. I would not be as firm in my faith had I not suffered through trials. So what was God preparing me for? Could He be pulling me closer to Him so that I could hear His plan for us? Was He showing me that He was in control of everything and that what I needed to do was to lean harder into Him?

I titled the post "rock with me" because its another part of the sermon I wrote down. You know when you're so sick, so tired, so beat down, you just rock yourself. Its a soothing mechanism that I love. I love to rock. And we all need someone to rock with.
Has anyone else been transformed by the pain? Had a particularly unpleasant period of growth? I'm here to rock if you need me....