There's a baby in my bed and she's 6 months old. Can you even believe how good God is?!
I remember a particularly difficult growth opportunity before Stella came home. I don't remember if I described it here but for some reason it is on my heart right now.
I was informed one day by our social worker that before we could proceed and get into the match book I would need to attend therapy for reasons outside my control. I was unhappy. I was bitter. I was struggling. For some reason I was mad at the messenger. Our social worker was just relaying requirements to us. I put off even finding someone to see. I held on to it for what felt like a long time. Until one day I was driving home from work and God decided - that's enough kiddo. I had on Audrey Assad's song "Sparrow" and I was belting it out when something started happening. I could feel the Holy Spirit stirring inside me, my heart was beating wildly, I was getting choked up and then these verses trickled out of my car:
Why should I be troubled
When His tender word I hear
No, I'll rest on His goodness
In my doubt and in my fear
I. Lost. It. I lost it so much that I had to pull over and sob hysterically until I could compose myself enough to drive the rest of the way home *just* crying, into the driveway and into the house where I confessed to Nick all of the horrible feelings I had been having. I was weightless afterwards. I got on God's plan again and found a great therapist. I saw her alone and with Nick and I started to look forward to seeing her. I even started to feel comfortable in my baby-less-ness. I was able to accept that I didn't have a baby right when I wanted one and enjoy being a family of two. You know that saying Let Go and Let God...I felt so free.
I feel like God needs you to suffer through some really tough things in order for you to be able to truly appreciate and recognize the blessings He is going to pour into your life. God is constantly working on me. Whether I am discovering things the very hard way or I am seeing God's lessons play out right in front of me.
Last night I was rocking this little angel. She was long passed out but I kept on and I started to pray. I found myself thanking God for the struggles He pushed me through and for not giving up on a broken little kid who needs and loves Him.
